October 12, 11:00 am, on the corner of Adams and Arizona
I don’t think its really sunk in yet. I’m trying not to let it. But everything I took is disentangling itself from my bloodstream, and I finally ate and the reality of the simple earth-hewn act of eating feels like a hand waking me up out of a dream. Something is touching my through the fog of all my un-awareness. Its not like much has changed either. Words – a few apprehensive, and half-spoken words – and the unnavigable spaces between them can change an entire reality. The difference now is a blackened void in the center of my chest, the size of a large saucer, large enough to put a good-sized fist through, through which memories, pleasures, and feelings of security keep slipping…I don’t even feel them swoosh through me. The only things I notice is the growing size of the hole that becomes larger with everything it eats. My heart is beating wildly trying to keep up, to pump blood to skin and sinews that aren’t there. This how people bleed to death. You always treated me so gently, but you left a big goddamn bloody hole.
I’m in the mood to throw it all away. “All” being, well, hell, anything.
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